cameroon log

Suffer and die

Wednesday January 14th, 2004

So, I have written a lot about what has happened, and my reactions to them. Emotional reactions, phsyical ones. I have not really written much about how I feel in the broader sense. I think that might be because I have been so overwhelmed with this new world, that it has been pretty much all I can do to keep up. I think this is starting to change. The whole winter holiday crush was so extreme, that things feel calmer now, and I feel like I have enough room inside for more than just reaction. I feel like my tourist phase is over. I feel like I am really here. I also feel like I have let go of a lot of my past. Not memories, but the habits associated with the moral and practical realities of living in the US and Europe have warn off enough for me to feel.. well, like I am changing. I feel adrift. It is a good, if unsettling feeling. The world is a big place. I like that feeling. It is something I have been missing for a long time. I also feel like I can peel away what I care about and what my environment pushes on me. It is liberating. Very. I have no idea where this is all going to lead me, but I do know that I am going to be a very different person. The biggest difference is the feeling of weight being lifted off of my shoulders. Ironic that I have a job where I am ‘officially’ supposed to be saving the world, and I feel none of that. You are constantly reminded of just how insignificant you really are here. Every day. For me, that is a huge relief. The wieght of pretending that what we do with our lives is important is such a burden. I just want to spend my time exploring, and working on how I live. How I find my way… not with propping up some mass delusion of self importance. Anyway, this is going to be a turbulent time for me, but we are all here to suffer and die right? That is better than being numb and narcisistic.